Congraduations. What’s next?
Early June… and it’s that time of year. Friends are posting about prom, graduations, university acceptances, commencements.
The current cohort of kids faces the next chapter of life, for which there are no rules, no promises, and no right answers.
What a great time of life. On the other hand, ugh. I don’t envy them.
I have a son going into 3rd year university next September, and one going into grade 12. And what I hear from my kids and their friends is that it’s really hard these days to step out of their anxieties and decide what to do next. It appears -- to me -- that it’s difficult for them to turn down the volume inside their own heads to hear what their hearts are telling them they want.
I know… “kids these days.” Popular culture insists that GenZs do whatever they want whenever they want. But what I hear from the young adults I’m around is that they’re feeling relentlessly herded into the most practical pursuits.
I just want to grab them all, hug them hard, and tell them to “follow your heart!” Can you believe that current graduates are likely to have 18 jobs across six different careers?! (source)
My 50+ friends know that what these kids choose to DO is mostly irrelevant right now. What’s important is who and how they BECOME.
There are a million reasons to be practical. And my university-aged kid will list them all for you.
University/ College/ Adulting is expensive and it’s no small sum you waste when you make choices that disappoint you. Failing a course, switching your major, paying rent, even choosing a cell phone plan… those all cost real money that takes a long time to earn. Much longer than when I went to school. I could pay my entire tuition with one summer’s earnings. Whether I started a week late or I quit mid-summer to find something different wasn’t a big deal.
Today, even with our (finite) financial support, kid #1 still feels enormous pressure to start immediately at more than one well-paying job and load up as many shifts over the summer as he can get.
And kid #2 wants to make sure he has the marks and the plan to choose grade 12 courses that might be required for whatever program he might enroll in at whatever university he might decide to apply to — if he decides to apply. He’s also thinking about the summer job he might need to support his future success in the unknown career fed by the unknown major from the unknown university. And then there’s the option to postpone university, or not go at all, move straight into working, traveling to work, apprenticing, etc. He’s not even 17 yet.
Okay. So hopefully I’ve painted a picture of the pressures that our kids are feeling right now.
I have no control over what's in their heads, but I can control my own responses. We don’t need to ask “What do you plan to do next?” We can ask, instead, “Who do you want to be now?”
In the ongoing battle for Becoming before Doing, here are 3 Small Victories that I’m proud to have helped along.
Victory #1 - He took the job on the water.
Firstborn is getting an English degree, so he’s already being teased that “there are no jobs.” Of course there are -- for example, a few research jobs on campus he could pursue. But what he really wants and needs, as an energetic, extroverted, enthusiastic explorer, is to be outside, around people, close to the ocean. So he turned his back on a research job this summer and is, instead, touring Halifax Harbour on a jetski and shuttling folks to their boats at a yacht club. It won’t help him get into graduate school, but it might help him get on the crew of a boat somewhere on the Mediterranean. (Knowing what you know now… which would you choose ?)
Victory #2 - He might spend his summer just learning guitar.
Secondborn hasn’t started looking for a summer job yet. It’s been a tough year, marked by multiple school closures, lost opportunities and mood swings. On the plus side, his marks are high, and he’s turned to rock’n’roll (not sex, drink or drugs) to cope. The plan all year was to make this a summer of resume-building and bank account-stuffing. But now… maybe not. He just started guitar lessons. There’s a family reunion in Ontario in the works. I absolutely want to raise caring, contributing citizens. One last summer building a foundation of love and support rather than a resume might be the way we can assist in his becoming.
Victory #3 - She’s throwing everything at it, for as long as it lasts.
I got to take my 22-year-old niece out for dinner a while back when I was in Toronto. She finished a degree in Music Theatre Performance and is now a working artist. I seized the chance to congratulate her on summoning the courage to follow this dream. We both know dance and theater are ruthless industries. We both know it’s hard to sustain a career in these fields. She doesn’t need me to ask her if she has a back up plan. She has been very clear that, while she can for as long as she can, she wants to sing, dance and act. All she needs to hear is that we’re all proud of her; yes for her great performances so far, but even more, for her courageous choice.
I agree with what Cheryl Strayed writes, in Tiny Beautiful Things, about career decisions for the young:
“You don't have to get a job that makes others feel comfortable about what they perceive as your success. You don't have to explain what you plan to do with your life. You don't have to justify your education by demonstrating its financial rewards. You don't have to maintain an impeccable credit score. Anyone who expects you to do any of those things has no sense of history or economics or science or the arts. You have to pay your own electric bill. You have to be kind. You have to give it all you got. You have to find people who love you truly and love them back with the same truth. But that’s all.” (p 130)
June is a wonderful opportunity for all of us to watch our language when we talk to our kids and their friends. What subjects do they love? What interests do they have? If they could go anywhere (because they can), where would it be? If they could do anything (because they can), what would it look like? Who are they truly trying to become?
“I hope when people ask what you're going to do with your English degree you'll say: Continue my bookish examination of the contradictions and complexities of human motivation and desire; or maybe just: Carry it with me, as I do everything that matters.” (p 133, Tiny Beautiful Things)